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Kirkland 1

March 2010



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Mar. 28th, 2010

Kirkland 1

Cutting ties that bind me

I am no longer opening my journal up to friends and keeping it private.
I am in recovery and find the websites/journal posts too triggering.
Love to all!!

Nov. 29th, 2008

Kirkland 1


I forgot to mention some GOOD things that happened to me

I got a full time job sewing!
I got cast in a showcase!

yea me!!!!!!!

Kirkland 1

long time no post

wow I don't know when I was here last!
Trying to find work and trying to make & sell baskets for money took over my life!
Plus that stupid Leland I began to date...shit he was a waste of time.
No job, no place to live but the beach or a friends house, no ambition but to get wasted.
He got me back into doing coke and I even started smoking heroin with him and popping all kinds of pills!
He was also moving to fast...wanted me to fly up north and meet his family 3 weeks after we met...UGH!
Glad I broke up with him...although I can blame him for my addictions!

I can't say "no" to drugs; men; anything...I am like the fucking energizer bunny...the bad habits just keep going and going and going!
I want to be in control so bad but I never look before I leap. I just leap and LOOK where it gets me! LOL

Sometimes I want to be sober; but I don't think I can live without that escape in my life.
I need to be numb; to turn off that switch; to shake that feeling out of my skin.

I feel like I am going to go crazy just sitting alone but I can't be with people either.
I don't understand ME at all!
It's like I am on the borderline of sane and crazy. I feel like I will keep jumping from one to the other until my mind will decide to indulge in.  I am afraid it will choose crazy and I won't be able to stop it! I don't want to loose my mind, my life, my goals...but I feel like I can't balance it all anymore. I wish I knew what to do to make it all slow down and I can focus...if I only had my career on track I know that would make me so happy! But what are the chances of being a successful actress? So far, not so easy :-(

I know that I have been told to stop drinking...maybe if I get clean I will be successful??
I just don't know where to start or if I can...I can't imagine not having the bottle in my life. It has always been there for so long and EVERYONE DRINKS! I can't escape it.

Nov. 19th, 2008

Kirkland 1

Weigh in

113 lbs!!!!!!!
I don't know how I lost a pound from yesterday, but I did!
I am soooo close to my 2nd goal weight...yippie!

Nov. 14th, 2008

Kirkland 1

Food Diary

Broccoli (45/1)
2 earl grey tea w/ honey & skim milk (150/0)
tomato soup (100/20)
cheese (60/30)
apple (53/1)
lite beer (95/0)
smoked almonds (170/135)

Total calories: 673
Total fat calories: 187

God I have been hungry and can't seem to satiate myself.
I'm going to try to fill up on water & raw veggies.

Nov. 13th, 2008

Kirkland 1


I just lit some candles in honor of the full moon
and to grant me prosperity, strength & joy (orange candle);
& for tranquility/spirituality and to honor the moon (blue candle);
& for healing & prosperity (green candle)

Kirkland 1

Food Diary

1/2 yogurt (30/0)
coffee with flav. creamer (47/18)
Crystal Light (5/0)
1/2 baked potato (72/0.5)
red wine (bottle) (625/0)
carrots (35/0)
Tomato soup (100/20)
cheese (60/25)
Broccoli (44/5)

Total Calories: 1018
Total Fat calories: 28.5

God I wish I wasn't such a lush!
I think I can make it past this

I want pizza, burritos, cheese and crackers, chips...everything!!!
But I WON"T allow it
I went over 500 calories and can't stand to think of consuming anymore food.
And I don't want to purge anymore.
I am in control...I hope.
Kirkland 1

Weigh in

114 lbs!!!!!!
Haven't seen that number in years!
I am so motivated!!!

Nov. 12th, 2008

Kirkland 1

Food Diary

2 coffee w/ ff cream & sugar (70/0)
1 coffee w/ powdered creamer & sugar (24/4)
1/4 portion "tuna salad" w/ spinach (72.5/4)
2 Crystal lite (10/0)
apples w/ cinnamon (26/0.5)
1/2" cube cheddar (34/25)
1 cracker (15/0.3)
white wine (121/0)

total calories: 372.5
total fat calories: 33.8

Nov. 11th, 2008

Kirkland 1

Food Diary

2 coffee w/ ff creamer & sugar (~70/0)
1/4 portion "tuna salad" w/ spinach (72.5/4)
1/2 yogurt (40/0)
cheese (60/25)
carrots (35/0)
2 white wine (241/0)
coffee w/ creamer & sugar (24/4)

532 calories
33 fat calories

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