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Kirkland 1

March 2010

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Kirkland 1

long time no post

wow I don't know when I was here last!
Trying to find work and trying to make & sell baskets for money took over my life!
Plus that stupid Leland I began to date...shit he was a waste of time.
No job, no place to live but the beach or a friends house, no ambition but to get wasted.
He got me back into doing coke and I even started smoking heroin with him and popping all kinds of pills!
He was also moving to fast...wanted me to fly up north and meet his family 3 weeks after we met...UGH!
Glad I broke up with him...although I can blame him for my addictions!

I can't say "no" to drugs; men; anything...I am like the fucking energizer bunny...the bad habits just keep going and going and going!
I want to be in control so bad but I never look before I leap. I just leap and LOOK where it gets me! LOL

Sometimes I want to be sober; but I don't think I can live without that escape in my life.
I need to be numb; to turn off that switch; to shake that feeling out of my skin.

I feel like I am going to go crazy just sitting alone but I can't be with people either.
I don't understand ME at all!
It's like I am on the borderline of sane and crazy. I feel like I will keep jumping from one to the other until my mind will decide to indulge in.  I am afraid it will choose crazy and I won't be able to stop it! I don't want to loose my mind, my life, my goals...but I feel like I can't balance it all anymore. I wish I knew what to do to make it all slow down and I can focus...if I only had my career on track I know that would make me so happy! But what are the chances of being a successful actress? So far, not so easy :-(

I know that I have been told to stop drinking...maybe if I get clean I will be successful??
I just don't know where to start or if I can...I can't imagine not having the bottle in my life. It has always been there for so long and EVERYONE DRINKS! I can't escape it.